Learning to Love my Mother-in-law

Erin Davis from Revive Our Hearts writes,

“Mothers-in-law often fulfill a role that is part mother, part friend, and part threat in the lives of their son’s wives.”

More often than not, especially in our Hmong context, mothers-in-law are viewed negatively. Most of us have grown up hearing the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law horror stories. It can create a sense of fear or anxiety as we enter into relationships. To be quite honest, I too, shared that fear when I first met my husband and his family. I wondered what my relationship with my mother-in-law was going to be like in the future. Contrary to my fears, I am blessed to have a wonderful mother-in-law who I love. As I reflect on my decade-long marriage, there are three things I have learned in my relationship with my mother-in-law.  

First, I need to open my heart and be willing to have a relationship with my mother-in-law. Relationships in themselves can be hard without adding unknown variables and guessed expectations. A relationship with a mother-in-law can be intimidating at first but if we are willing, we can see one flourish with her. The best biblical example of this is from Ruth. 

Ruth 1:16 says:

16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.

In this first chapter of Ruth, we see her willingness to bond with her mother-in-law in this season of great loss. Ruth’s husband has died, and she has every right to return to her family and home. However, Ruth makes the choice to remain by her mother-in-law’s side. She shows love and compassion to Naomi, her mother-in-law. 

In the same way, as daughters-in-law, we need to open our hearts to bond with our mothers-in-law. For me, my mother-in-law opened her heart to love me first. When my husband and I got married, one of the first things she said to me was that she did not see me only as her nyab but as her daughter. These words were not mere empty words but she has shown me over and over again how she loves me as a daughter. I, in turn, had to open my heart to build this relationship. In time and through constant conversation, I got to learn more about my mother-in-law: her interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes. She has always been very up front with me and I like that. I did not have to do guess work but clearly understood my expectations. For me, I am a person who likes to know my expectations, and my relationship with my mother-in-law has grown because we can be open and honest with one another. 

Secondly, I need to honor my mother-in-law. To honor someone is to show them respect or admiration. 

Ephesians 6:2 says

2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise

Bearing this in mind, I need to respect my mother-in-law as my husband’s mom. She knows many things about him that I am still learning, and she also desires to remain in a relationship with him. I need to respect the things she tells me about him and take those into consideration. Likewise, I also need to heed her advice. She, too, is a wife and mother. She has had years of experience raising her family. Although I may not always see eye to eye with her, this does not diminish her words. In them, I can glean wisdom for myself and my family. Every so often, I may tend to misinterpret her intention, but I know that she comes from a place of love for us. In keeping with this, then, I can honor her as my mother as well. 

Lastly, I need to be gracious and forgiving to my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law is a flawed human being as am I. There will be times when we disagree as well as have miscommunications. There have been many times when I have failed to love my mother-in-law well. In the same way, there have been times when my mother-in-law has hurt me. But just as Jesus has forgiven us so we can come together and forgive one another.

Colossians 3:13 says

13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Being in a relationship with my mother-in-law, I have learned that we both need to bear with one another. We have different personalities and, often, different perceptions. These can cause rifts in our relationship but by God’s grace, I know that I can go to her and ask for her forgiveness when I have done wrong and she likewise. By continuing to seek to give grace to one another we grow together in our relationship. 

All in all, I wish I could say that I am Ruth but in truth, I am no Ruth. I have many shortcomings and fail as a daughter-in-law in many ways. But my mother-in-law has always been very gracious to me. I can laugh and cry with her. This being said, as Christ-centered women, we are called to shine the light of Jesus to others around us. Many times, it is hardest to do so to the people closest to us. As daughters-in-law, may we open our hearts to build relationships, love, honor, and forgive our mothers-in-law in a way that shines Jesus light brightly.

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Pa-Chia (N. Kx. Nyiaj Tseeb) Yang Lor has been married for ten years to her wonderful husband, Kx. Nyiaj Tseeb Lor. Together they serve Central Pacific Coast Hmong Alliance Church in sunny Lompoc, CA. In her spare time, she enjoys reading and crafting as well as time with family.