My Father's Shadow

In A.W. Tozer’s book, The Knowledge of the Holy, he says,

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us...We tend by a secret law of the soul to move toward our mental image of God.” 

A correct understanding of who God is, is fundamental to understanding who we are in Him and how we live a Christ-centered life.

By contrast, if we don’t have a correct understanding about who God is, that will inadvertently affect how we see ourselves in relation to who God is and how our lives are shaped by the choices we make based on the image we create. 

My Earthly Father

Like many people, my mental image of God was shaped by my earthly father.  My father worked very hard in order to provide for our large family, but that also meant we were often left to fend and care for ourselves while he and my mother were away. When my father was around, I recall him being very cold, angry, distant, and uninterested in what was happening in our lives. Anytime he was around, we walked on eggshells–we were often scolded for laughing, playing, and basically for being children. We did our best to stay away from him or “do good” so as to not meet his wrath from the fly swatter or his iron clad knuckles or the intense glare of his side-eyes that could cut you into a thousand pieces.  

My father brought us up in a “Christian” home and religiously forced us to go to church every Sunday.  I learned from a very young age in Sunday School that God was my “Father in heaven” and loved me unconditionally. Even though that was drilled into me, I didn’t realize that my little mind used my father as my point of reference for anything I associated with that word or concept.  Despite my father taking us to church, it was hard to see how his life had been changed, if at all. 

I praise God for preserving one of the only memories I have as a young child of my father showing any kind of love or affection towards me.  I was about five years old when he put a scarf around my neck and gave me a kiss on the forehead before I left for school.  I held tight to that memory and longed to be loved and cared for in that way again but as the years passed, that hope faded.  The next time I remember my father paying attention to me was when my brother and I got into a fight and my father chose my brother’s side without knowing what we were arguing about. I was so overcome by anger that I told him he was a hypocrite and in no way resembled what a Christian looked like.  In his anger, he pulled a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me, thus proving my point. My father’s love was “unconditional” in that he was “there” but his love was “conditional” based on if I behaved to his liking.  I saw his “love” in what he provided for us and being there as a “father figure,” but that was the extent of it.

My Heavenly Father

As I grew in my faith, I realized that something was terribly off.  What I was reading in the Bible about who God was didn’t match with who I had known “God” to be.  It was through a Christian counseling session that the counselor helped me to see that I was still subconsciously projecting who my earthly father was onto who I believed my Heavenly Father was.  I had unknowingly placed God in my father’s shadow and only saw God in light of who my father was.  Unfortunately, this profoundly distorted how I saw and related to God, and also how I saw and related to myself and the world around me. 

I knew in my head that God “loved” me, but subconsciously I believed it was from a distance and that He merely tolerated my presence. I was constantly striving to do good and served tirelessly in order to “earn” His love so He would stay around and be pleased with me. I was happy to receive scraps from Him and didn’t fully accept that I had full access to Him or His love. All the while, I lived in the shadows hoping I didn’t disappoint or make Him upset for fear He would notice me and punish me. 

With the help of my counselor, I was able to see how that in no way did it reflect who God, my Heavenly Father, actually was. She lovingly helped me to rebuke those lies embedded deeply within and spoke truth about who He is over me and who “I” am to Him. Years of pain and weight lifted as she gently explained how much God, my Heavenly Father, absolutely loves, adores, and takes attention to every aspect of my life (Ps. 139).  God, my Heavenly Father, delights in me (Zep 3:17) and longs to be near me in my presence (Ps.145:18)!  I didn’t have to do anything to gain God, my Heavenly Father’s love or approval--it is freely and unconditionally given (Rom 5:8)!  It all seems so elementary now, but I needed to hear the Gospel again in light of who my Heavenly Father truly was.

Restoring My Father

It was through this new introduction to who my Heavenly Father truly is that I was finally able to see who my earthly father is. He is a broken and sinful person who desperately needs a Savior just like me.  Unfortunately, my father had his own father wounds and needed to be introduced to and shaped by the love of his Heavenly Father just like me as well. 

Though I acknowledge and grieve the pain my father caused me, I choose not to be a victim of his shortcomings and brokenness. By God’s grace, He has shown me through His own love and forgiveness how to break generational sins and help me build a new foundation for my life that is built on Him. I have restored my relationship with my father over the years and am able to express the love and affection towards him that I didn’t receive from him growing up. God is no longer in my father’s shadow, instead, we are both found safely and securely in His shadow (Ps. 91:1). 

I share this not to shame my father, but to show how easy it is for us to allow the broken and fallen things of this world to influence who we think God is and, consequently, have it shape every aspect of our lives.  For you, it may not be your earthly father who has shaped your view of who God is but it may be other people, life circumstances, social media, etc. Whatever the case, I encourage you to take a step back and examine if your mental image of who God is reflects the God found in the Bible.  Wherever you are on this journey, I pray you will find yourself back again and again in the loving arms of your Heavenly Father who will gently correct and gladly reveal Himself and His love for you so you can live a life that is pleasing and glorifying to Him.

As A.W. Tozer prayed, 

“O Lord God Almighty, not the God of philosophers and scholars, but the God of the prophets and apostles. Even better, You are the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Can I worship You in an untainted or pure way? 

Those who don't truly know You might call on You in a way that isn't true to who You are, and thus they worship not You, but a creation of their own imagination. Therefore, please enlighten our minds so that we may know You as You truly are, in order to love You perfectly and praise You worthily. In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

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 Tozer, A.W., The Knowledge of the Holy (Authentic Media, 2008), 1-2.   Tozer, A.W., The Knowledge of the Holy, 1, translated by Google AI.

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Pakou Vang (N.Kx. Ntshiab Suav Yaj)

Pakou (N.Kx. Ntshiab Suav Yaj) is the wife of Rev. Shoua Yang and the mother of twin boys, Josiah and Micah. She serves alongside her husband at First Hmong Alliance Church in Aurora, IL and works for Right On Mission as an Operations Manager and Executive Assistant.  Among other things, she loves studying Scripture, exploring new places, crocheting and watching crime shows.